geek, friend, student, traveller, and klutz
A girlfriend of mine is getting engaged.(I know, she knows? But trust me people that’s how it works nowadays.) she told her lovey that he needed to ask both her dad and her stepdad for her hand. He is worried, not because they will say no, but because he is unsure how to breech the subject. Well, here are 5 ways not to bring up the topic or to say to your future inlaws:
1) She won’t be wearing white!
2) I’ve been banging your daughter for a while now….
3) I guess its time, seeing as she’s not getting any younger.
5) I hope she doesn’t end up looking like her mother…
I can’t believe I’m in love with someone who doesn’t like roller coasters.
I don’t like falling. If they stayed on the ground and went really fast I’d be ok. But they don’t. You are falling. People say ‘its an adrenaline rush. How do you not like it. (grumble grumble grumble)’ but you’re just falling. I could just push people over. Is that an adrenaline rush? Huh? No. Now I’m just the asshole who pushed people over.
A little. Not really.
Why dont you just go push somebody over then?
1.) Promise them its “in the mail” or it “must have gotten lost”
2.) Casually toss it across the table at your favorite fast food joint
3.) Place it on the collar of a vicious, hungry, jungle cat
4.) Drop it in the bottom of the ocean and advise them of the warning signs of the bends.
5.) Drop it out the door of an airplane and give your loved one a “nudge” out after it (with a parachute of course!)
6.) Eat the ring, then poop it out. Make your future fiance dig through the poo.
7.) Place it in the bottom of a box full of snakes, spiders, etc (whatever your loved one has a mortal fear of)
8.) Along those lines… Make a creature eat the ring and have your loved one slaughter it for the prize
9.) Put the ring in the bottom of a glass container filled with barbed wire and salt (inspired by Family Guy, episode 24 of season 4)
10.) Place the real ring among many other fake rings in a giant box filled with tacks. Drip alcohol rain on top of your loved one as they search through the prickly hunt for the real ring.
(Personally, holidays, jumbo trons, sky writing, and airplane banners should be on this “not” list, but some people like that sorta thing)
While I could list the top 10 ways – I really can’t. The only thing I can say is be creative and true to your relationship. If you guys are traditionalists and romantics, roses and champagne and candles are the way to go. But if funky is your style – think outside of the box. And use these few links as inspiration:
Wedding Proposals: 50 Romantic Ways to Propose: http://wedding.theknot.com/getting-engaged/marriage-proposals/articles/50-romantic-ways-to-propose.aspx
10 Cool and Creative Marriage Proposals: http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/94318
12 Best Creative Marriage Proposals Ever: http://www.theendearingdesigner.com/12-best-creative-marriage-proposals-ever
Taking a loan application….
Me: “So you listed your self as a minister. How long have you been doing this?”
Lady: “Since I was born.”
Me: “Ummm… as a profession…”
Lady: “Since God called me”
To myself, ‘1989 then’ (type, type, type)
Me: “And is this a self employment type venture or do you work for a specific church?”
Lady: “Oh, I don’t work for one of *those*.”
Me: “Ummm… ok, so…. who do you work for?”
To myself, ‘self employed’ (type type type)
Me: “And what sort of income do you bring in? How much do you take home?”
Lady:“Whatever God provides.”
Oh for fucksake lady!
You watch the movies and see “true love”. It’s full of passion, emotion. It’s not always beautiful but it’s the right timing. The boy is never late to the train - and god forbid, if he is, she didn’t get on. The girl is always beautiful and put together and the man is handsome and strong. Their kisses always land perfectly and he will always catch her.
Well, the little bruise on the bridge of my nose says a great big, “fuck you” to this. My boyfriend is, very much so, the love of my life. He teaches me so much and is wonderful and kind. This being said, he is also nicknamed “gigantor” seeing as he is tall and clumsy. Usually, this makes life more fun! ‘Is he going to fall to the ground if I jump?’ ‘Honey, I can’t reach this!’ But this cursed morning, it wasn’t fun.
The usual morning routine goes as such:
Alarm goes off – BIG stretch. Roll over – pet kitty (who is hogging the bed and covers). Gently pat gigantor’s back – ‘wake up handsome’. Smile – light kiss before shower.
Alarm goes off – BIG stretch. Roll over – pet kitty (who is NOT THERE?!?). Gently pat gigantor’s back – ‘where the hell is kitty?’. Lean down – BAM! Smack faces together.
My nose still hurts.
In the recent years, my family has started a tradition that we make a shit-ton of chili and then have a big family dinner to enjoy it. We freeze the left overs and use it for potlucks, dinners, etc. through out the year. Friday night the 6th, we had the “making” part of the tradition and tomorrow night my boyfriend’s family, my sister’s boyfriend’s family, and my own family are going to complete the “feasting” portion of the tradition.
On Saturday the 7th, my mom, sister, and I went to the Arizona Bridal Expo to perform awesome espionage for her photography business. My handsome boyfriend decided to go with my dad to a solar scope event for children. Rob told me that they would be packing up around 4. Now, keep in mind, our remarkably ignorant and possibly regrettable chili dinner started at 5. The slightest hold up and they would be late.
I would have thought that my hate rays, my look of death, would be enough of a cautionary tale.
Rob: “Oh we’ll be fine. Stop worrying”.
Me: “If you’re late, i’ not leaving any chili for either of you.”
Rob: “Ha. No way you’re eating 10 quarts, 2 stock pots of chili before we get there.”
Me: “Who said I had to eat it? I’ll… Pour it over me. Oh ya, chili porn. I’ll be sure to send you pictures of the chili just all over me.”
That’s how disagreements are solved in our house. With someone coming uncomfortably close to peeing their pants from laughter. (Hint, it wasn’t me)
(in Thai restaurant)
Me: Oh, right! I have a question for you.
Rob: No, I will not marry you. Not here, not now in this asian restaurant.
Me: First, ouch. Second of all, not where I was going. I was going to ask if we needed more toilet paper.
Such a charmer.
The ridiculous factor is just that - ridiculous. 2 weeks and 2 days can not fly by fast enough. Oh June. I never thought I’d celebrate your arrival.
Ode to the Ghetto
How I will miss (and by miss I mean not miss) your ice cream men with Mexican music. The way the light bounces off the ghetto mobiles parked across 3 (covered) parking spots in an already crowded lot. How the air conditioner is set to 60 and constantly chugging away loudly enough to scare the cat. Or the kind people sharing their bass pounding, apartment shaking music at all hours of the day. Let’s not forget the neighbor who is an identity theft or the clever man who talked Rob into giving him $20.
June 4th cannot come soon enough.
I’m going to start by telling you a story about a little girl who suffered a great deal of horror at the hands of Mr. Relationship. It was cruel and vicious 4 years, 7months, and 18 days (give or take a few days) through which the little girl grew into a beautiful, strong young woman. But going through an ordeal like this was crushing to her sense of dating and thus she refrained from participating for several years. Please note that this was not a conscious thing, merely a strong aversion to the proper social approach when interacting with the opposite sex.
Thus begins The Game.